When you think of a night away from your little one, most of you are thinking maybe a hotel, nice steak dinner, or a glass of wine right?!?! Well, let me give you a clear picture of the scenery I am surrounded by : 4 white walls, 1 automatic bed, a large dinner salad, 1 fashionable peek-a-boo gown and lovely beeping music in the background. No, I’m not at a hotel, unfortunately I’m in the hospital, but I’m totally fine or thought I was until my “lactose-free” dinner tray came with a large chef salad, grated American cheese, 2 large packets of ranch, no…buttermilk ranch dressing and a carton of 2% milk. I can’t be the only one who sees the irony of all the milk containing ingredients right??? I also wasn’t aware that a large salad counted for dinner, but I’ll take it since I didn’t have to make it, buy the ingredients, or plate it.
You can only imagine the split seconds of fullness I may have felt after eating rabbit food (at least they had the right holiday theme going on). I had to call in reinforcements and luckily my cousin was eager to bring me some food so I wouldn’t waste away overnight in this bed and boy he did not disappoint in setting up this girl with some good snacks!
My hospital adventure started the other day when I took the girls down to The Hen House and decided to lay down for a few minutes once they were all settled…big big mistake because I wouldn’t be getting up for a few days! Kudos (do y’all remember how good those snack bars were?!) to the husband on keeping those adult briefs I had in the garbage a few weeks ago because they sure did come in handy! When you are desperate, you will use whatever works and boy was I. That diaper in all it’s bariatric glory was just what I needed after 12 hrs of fluid retention. Yes whatever you are thinking is right and no, I have no shame and you wouldn’t either at this point. These chicks may have caused me to totally loose my mind…they better start laying some golden eggs!
Now back to how I got here…I was having trouble staying coherent due to the excruciating pain my back was sending my way, so I enjoyed an ambulance ride that may have rivaled the jolts and jars sustained on the famous wooden rollercoaster “the rattler”. Medication at this point was my best friend and thank goodness for good medication! We managed to make it to the ER and doctor ordered some tests and medication, one of which was a steroid injection and let’s just say after the super nice nurse pushed it in, out my mouth came “my vaginas hot and burning, my vagina, my vagina…why do you look like a five-eyed monster!” Seriously, I would have paid money to see the look on my face as I realized what had just come out of my mouth. So embarrassing, but the nurse just chuckled a little and said, “I’m so sorry I forgot to warn you that would happen before I pushed those meds.” I was clearly embarrassed and had a dejavu moment from the grocery store last week! Unfortunately, I am still in the hospital and of course by now I am fumigating this room with some nice B.O. because I haven’t showered in three days and it has just become too much for me to stand so I ask to shower. Now might I add my hair looks like a Robin has been nesting in it for about a week and of course I reek to high heaven, so I take the tiny black barbershop comb, a bottle of “no more tears shampoo and body wash” and 3 miniature towels into shower…, I will be so happy to get back to my Tiff’s Beauty Bars, bath towel, and a real hairbrush!
After my luxurious shower it was time to do a little walking so I strutted down the hall in my designer gown only to have a nurse running behind me with an open gown trying to cover my beautiful assets. Ladies, this is when it really pays not to follow/keep up with all of the Instagram posts that promise a plump Kardashian rear and just be happy having the disease “noassatall”. I don’t think many people saw the flat derrière peaking out at them or at least if they did none of them passed out from the bright light that would have accompanied the show.
Luckily, I have an amazing “family” and my husband showed up at just the right time with my favorite drink, a Coconut Milk Chai Tea Latte, to lift me up this afternoon!